Each time I read about step-families and divorced couples with children, my heart bleeds for the children. Having "been there, done that" I have flashbacks of my experiences in fighting for custody of my step-children.
I can't help but wonder and worry about what children are going through today versus many years ago when we fought our battle. Have times changed much? I read about co-parenting and shared custody now. I know for a fact that would NOT have worked with us. It takes two people to make a relationship work, whether it's ex-spouses or current spouses. If both parents do not have the best interests of the children at heart, it won't work and the children suffer. You may not actually see how deeply the child is suffering until many years down the road.
My husband's ex used their children as pawns. The only reason she wanted them around was for the child support. When she was ready to party, they came to our house, which of course we didn't mind, but the toll it took on the children is what was the most painful.
My husband's ex also deeply resented our marriage. We have been married now nearly 30 years. She on the other hand, has been married four times...so far. I assume she will find another husband before too much longer. I feel for the children, which are now adults, that have had three step-fathers, not to mention the various number of "boyfriends" that have been in and out of their lives. I don't understand why someone would put their own happiness over that of their children. But then there are alot of things I just don't understand. Maybe I'm just getting old...
Showing posts with label step-child. Show all posts
Showing posts with label step-child. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Life isn't easy for a bio-parent either...
As I write about being a step-parent isn't easy, there are some things about being a divorced parent that are not so good either.
I wrote about Julia and Mandy and their marriages on my previous post. What I failed to mention is that my husband never walked either of his daughters down the aisle at their any of their weddings. It's not that he refused, he just wasn't asked. Instead, both girls had their step-father do the honor. We never attended any of Mandy or Julia's weddings or even met any of Julia's husbands. When Julia moved in with her bio-mom when she turned 18, she completely alienated herself from our family. Maybe it was the shame of knowing that Mandy told us everything she did. Maybe it was the shame of all the things she did to hurt us. Maybe she is just like her mother. Who knows?!
Once in the past 14 years she contacted us to "be a part of the family", however, she never followed through. We believe that her bio-mom has continued to brainwash her into thinking how terrible we are. My husband's ex has always had a hold over both girls that we will never understand. It seems like the worse she treats them, the more loyal they are to her. We do have a good relationship with Mandy, but she is still loyal to her mother. Bio-mom continues to treat Mandy worse than Julia, but that is probably because Mandy has maintained her relationship and love for us throughout her lifetime and bio-mom does not like that. Mandy has been emotionally abused by her bio-mom her entire life. Mandy doesn't feel worthy of love from the one woman that SHOULD love her child. To be honest, Mandy has had a self esteem problem the majority of her life, thanks to her bio-mom.
Julia's actions are her choice since she is a grown woman. All I can add to that is while it hurts more than words can describe, it's HER loss! When it's too late to make amends, she will be the one that has to live with herself.
I wrote about Julia and Mandy and their marriages on my previous post. What I failed to mention is that my husband never walked either of his daughters down the aisle at their any of their weddings. It's not that he refused, he just wasn't asked. Instead, both girls had their step-father do the honor. We never attended any of Mandy or Julia's weddings or even met any of Julia's husbands. When Julia moved in with her bio-mom when she turned 18, she completely alienated herself from our family. Maybe it was the shame of knowing that Mandy told us everything she did. Maybe it was the shame of all the things she did to hurt us. Maybe she is just like her mother. Who knows?!
Once in the past 14 years she contacted us to "be a part of the family", however, she never followed through. We believe that her bio-mom has continued to brainwash her into thinking how terrible we are. My husband's ex has always had a hold over both girls that we will never understand. It seems like the worse she treats them, the more loyal they are to her. We do have a good relationship with Mandy, but she is still loyal to her mother. Bio-mom continues to treat Mandy worse than Julia, but that is probably because Mandy has maintained her relationship and love for us throughout her lifetime and bio-mom does not like that. Mandy has been emotionally abused by her bio-mom her entire life. Mandy doesn't feel worthy of love from the one woman that SHOULD love her child. To be honest, Mandy has had a self esteem problem the majority of her life, thanks to her bio-mom.
Julia's actions are her choice since she is a grown woman. All I can add to that is while it hurts more than words can describe, it's HER loss! When it's too late to make amends, she will be the one that has to live with herself.
More memories of step-parenting
Anyone that thinks being a step-parent is easy, I would beg to differ. I am a biological mom, a step-mom and was a custodial mom. None of those jobs are easy by any means, but my personal experience tells me that being a step-parent is one of the hardest jobs to have.
As I continue to write about memories from years past, I wonder how I ever made it through those years. When my oldest step-daughter, Julia, decided her life growing up in a stable, safe home wasn't what she wanted, she moved in with her bio-mom. The bio-mom was on her fourth marriage, had loose morals, lost custody of her kids due to her drugs, alcohol, and homelessness, approved of Julia sleeping around. Julia had maintained her virginity and was involved in her church until she moved in with bio-mom. She found a new group of friends that encouraged partying and sex and Julia knew we wouldn't approve of her new found life. However, her bio-mom would. Actually her bio-mom would approve of anything to get Julia to move in with her.
Granted Julia was 18 years old, a senior in high school and loved her new adulthood that allowed her to make her own decisions. Within a month after Julia moved in with her bio-mom, she was suspended from school for skipping! That told us alot since Julia had never been in trouble at school or anywhere while she lived with us. From that point until now, Julia's life has followed her bio-mom's life. Julia is now 33 years old and on her third marriage. The apple does not fall far from the tree. Mandy, (the youngest step-daughter) on the other hand, lived with us until she was 21 years old and is on her first marriage. She took her vows more seriously than Julia.
I will be adding more "memories of step-parenting" in the upcoming blogs.
As I continue to write about memories from years past, I wonder how I ever made it through those years. When my oldest step-daughter, Julia, decided her life growing up in a stable, safe home wasn't what she wanted, she moved in with her bio-mom. The bio-mom was on her fourth marriage, had loose morals, lost custody of her kids due to her drugs, alcohol, and homelessness, approved of Julia sleeping around. Julia had maintained her virginity and was involved in her church until she moved in with bio-mom. She found a new group of friends that encouraged partying and sex and Julia knew we wouldn't approve of her new found life. However, her bio-mom would. Actually her bio-mom would approve of anything to get Julia to move in with her.
Granted Julia was 18 years old, a senior in high school and loved her new adulthood that allowed her to make her own decisions. Within a month after Julia moved in with her bio-mom, she was suspended from school for skipping! That told us alot since Julia had never been in trouble at school or anywhere while she lived with us. From that point until now, Julia's life has followed her bio-mom's life. Julia is now 33 years old and on her third marriage. The apple does not fall far from the tree. Mandy, (the youngest step-daughter) on the other hand, lived with us until she was 21 years old and is on her first marriage. She took her vows more seriously than Julia.
I will be adding more "memories of step-parenting" in the upcoming blogs.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
If I had to do it all over again...
For those of you that consider being a step-parent, you should seriously consider what your future will be like. For those of you considering giving your child a step-parent, you should also consider what your future will be like.
Many years ago, when I became a step-mom it was like being a part time mom, since we didn't have custody of my step-children immediately. We went through several years of hell, dealing with the bio-mom just to be able to visit my step children. Thousands and thousands of dollars were paid to lawyers on top of the child support just to enforce a visitation schedule.
Looking back, I guess we didn't have much of a choice, other than to walk away from the children. However, my husband was definitely not THAT kind of father. His children meant everything to him, and he meant everything to me. His children were a part of him therefore my love for them was just as strong. I was willing to tolerate anything for him and the children.
Being a step-parent is not easy by any means. It's not easy for the children, for the bio-parents or step-parents. You will be connected in some way to the "ex" for the rest of your life. They will always be a part of your step-children's life. Your life will always be upside down. The children will always be loyal to their bio-parent while a step-parent will always be blamed. Regardless of all the love and closeness you will feel as the step-parent to a child, that love will not always be mutual.
I know this from experience. After raising my step-children while their bio-mom was out partying for years and didn't even visit the children, they are still loyal to her. The step-children are all adults now and bio-mom has been married four times, yet the children are still close and loyal to her. I was the one that worked two jobs to support, feed and clothe my step-children while bio-mom was partying. I was the one that sacrificed 20 years of my life to raise my step-children, along with my own children. I was the one that loved, cared for, nursed them back to health when they were sick, dealt with their every day issues, put them through school, etc.
Many times I think about all those years and really wonder if I knew then what I know now, would I do it all over again?
Many years ago, when I became a step-mom it was like being a part time mom, since we didn't have custody of my step-children immediately. We went through several years of hell, dealing with the bio-mom just to be able to visit my step children. Thousands and thousands of dollars were paid to lawyers on top of the child support just to enforce a visitation schedule.
Looking back, I guess we didn't have much of a choice, other than to walk away from the children. However, my husband was definitely not THAT kind of father. His children meant everything to him, and he meant everything to me. His children were a part of him therefore my love for them was just as strong. I was willing to tolerate anything for him and the children.
Being a step-parent is not easy by any means. It's not easy for the children, for the bio-parents or step-parents. You will be connected in some way to the "ex" for the rest of your life. They will always be a part of your step-children's life. Your life will always be upside down. The children will always be loyal to their bio-parent while a step-parent will always be blamed. Regardless of all the love and closeness you will feel as the step-parent to a child, that love will not always be mutual.
I know this from experience. After raising my step-children while their bio-mom was out partying for years and didn't even visit the children, they are still loyal to her. The step-children are all adults now and bio-mom has been married four times, yet the children are still close and loyal to her. I was the one that worked two jobs to support, feed and clothe my step-children while bio-mom was partying. I was the one that sacrificed 20 years of my life to raise my step-children, along with my own children. I was the one that loved, cared for, nursed them back to health when they were sick, dealt with their every day issues, put them through school, etc.
Many times I think about all those years and really wonder if I knew then what I know now, would I do it all over again?
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