Children are "little people"

Each time I read about step-families and divorced couples with children, my heart bleeds for the children.  Having "been there, done that" I have flashbacks of my experiences in fighting for custody of my step-children.

I can't help but wonder and worry about what children are going through today versus many years ago when we fought our battle.  Have times changed much?  I read about co-parenting and shared custody now.  I know for a fact that would NOT have worked with us.  It takes two people to make a relationship work, whether it's ex-spouses or current spouses.  If both parents do not have the best interests of the children at heart, it won't work and the children suffer.  You may not actually see how deeply the child is suffering until many years down the road.

My husband's ex used their children as pawns.  The only reason she wanted them around was for the child support.  When she was ready to party, they came to our house, which of course we didn't mind, but the toll it took on the children is what was the most painful.

My husband's ex also deeply resented our marriage.  We have been married now nearly 30 years.  She on the other hand, has been married four times...so far.  I assume she will find another husband before too much longer.  I feel for the children, which are now adults, that have had three step-fathers, not to mention the various number of "boyfriends" that have been in and out of their lives.  I don't understand why someone would put their own happiness over that of their children.  But then there are alot of things I just don't understand.  Maybe I'm just getting old...

If I had to do it all over again...

For those of you that consider being a step-parent, you should seriously consider what your future will be like.  For those of you considering giving your child a step-parent, you should also consider what your future will be like.

Many years ago, when I became a step-mom it was like being a part time mom, since we didn't have custody of my step-children immediately.  We went through several years of hell, dealing with the bio-mom just to be able to visit my step children.  Thousands and thousands of dollars were paid to lawyers on top of the child support just to enforce a visitation schedule.

Looking back, I guess we didn't have much of a choice, other than to walk away from the children.  However, my husband was definitely not THAT kind of father.  His children meant everything to him, and he meant everything to me.  His children were a part of him therefore my love for them was just as strong.  I was willing to tolerate anything for him and the children.

Being a step-parent is not easy by any means.  It's not easy for the children, for the bio-parents or step-parents.  You will be connected in some way to the "ex" for the rest of your life.  They will always be a part of your step-children's life.  Your life will always be upside down.  The children will always be loyal to their bio-parent while a step-parent will always be blamed.  Regardless of all the love and closeness you will feel as the step-parent to a child, that love will not always be mutual.

I know this from experience.  After raising my step-children while their bio-mom was out partying for years and didn't even visit the children, they are still loyal to her.  The step-children are all adults now and bio-mom has been married four times, yet the children are still close and loyal to her.  I was the one that worked two jobs to support, feed and clothe my step-children while bio-mom was partying.  I was the one that sacrificed 20 years of my life to raise my step-children, along with my own children.  I was the one that loved, cared for, nursed them back to health when they were sick, dealt with their every day issues, put them through school, etc.

Many times I think about all those years and really wonder if I knew then what I know now, would I do it all over again?