As I write about being a step-parent isn't easy, there are some things about being a divorced parent that are not so good either.
I wrote about Julia and Mandy and their marriages on my previous post. What I failed to mention is that my husband never walked either of his daughters down the aisle at their any of their weddings. It's not that he refused, he just wasn't asked. Instead, both girls had their step-father do the honor. We never attended any of Mandy or Julia's weddings or even met any of Julia's husbands. When Julia moved in with her bio-mom when she turned 18, she completely alienated herself from our family. Maybe it was the shame of knowing that Mandy told us everything she did. Maybe it was the shame of all the things she did to hurt us. Maybe she is just like her mother. Who knows?!
Once in the past 14 years she contacted us to "be a part of the family", however, she never followed through. We believe that her bio-mom has continued to brainwash her into thinking how terrible we are. My husband's ex has always had a hold over both girls that we will never understand. It seems like the worse she treats them, the more loyal they are to her. We do have a good relationship with Mandy, but she is still loyal to her mother. Bio-mom continues to treat Mandy worse than Julia, but that is probably because Mandy has maintained her relationship and love for us throughout her lifetime and bio-mom does not like that. Mandy has been emotionally abused by her bio-mom her entire life. Mandy doesn't feel worthy of love from the one woman that SHOULD love her child. To be honest, Mandy has had a self esteem problem the majority of her life, thanks to her bio-mom.
Julia's actions are her choice since she is a grown woman. All I can add to that is while it hurts more than words can describe, it's HER loss! When it's too late to make amends, she will be the one that has to live with herself.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
More memories of step-parenting
Anyone that thinks being a step-parent is easy, I would beg to differ. I am a biological mom, a step-mom and was a custodial mom. None of those jobs are easy by any means, but my personal experience tells me that being a step-parent is one of the hardest jobs to have.
As I continue to write about memories from years past, I wonder how I ever made it through those years. When my oldest step-daughter, Julia, decided her life growing up in a stable, safe home wasn't what she wanted, she moved in with her bio-mom. The bio-mom was on her fourth marriage, had loose morals, lost custody of her kids due to her drugs, alcohol, and homelessness, approved of Julia sleeping around. Julia had maintained her virginity and was involved in her church until she moved in with bio-mom. She found a new group of friends that encouraged partying and sex and Julia knew we wouldn't approve of her new found life. However, her bio-mom would. Actually her bio-mom would approve of anything to get Julia to move in with her.
Granted Julia was 18 years old, a senior in high school and loved her new adulthood that allowed her to make her own decisions. Within a month after Julia moved in with her bio-mom, she was suspended from school for skipping! That told us alot since Julia had never been in trouble at school or anywhere while she lived with us. From that point until now, Julia's life has followed her bio-mom's life. Julia is now 33 years old and on her third marriage. The apple does not fall far from the tree. Mandy, (the youngest step-daughter) on the other hand, lived with us until she was 21 years old and is on her first marriage. She took her vows more seriously than Julia.
I will be adding more "memories of step-parenting" in the upcoming blogs.
As I continue to write about memories from years past, I wonder how I ever made it through those years. When my oldest step-daughter, Julia, decided her life growing up in a stable, safe home wasn't what she wanted, she moved in with her bio-mom. The bio-mom was on her fourth marriage, had loose morals, lost custody of her kids due to her drugs, alcohol, and homelessness, approved of Julia sleeping around. Julia had maintained her virginity and was involved in her church until she moved in with bio-mom. She found a new group of friends that encouraged partying and sex and Julia knew we wouldn't approve of her new found life. However, her bio-mom would. Actually her bio-mom would approve of anything to get Julia to move in with her.
Granted Julia was 18 years old, a senior in high school and loved her new adulthood that allowed her to make her own decisions. Within a month after Julia moved in with her bio-mom, she was suspended from school for skipping! That told us alot since Julia had never been in trouble at school or anywhere while she lived with us. From that point until now, Julia's life has followed her bio-mom's life. Julia is now 33 years old and on her third marriage. The apple does not fall far from the tree. Mandy, (the youngest step-daughter) on the other hand, lived with us until she was 21 years old and is on her first marriage. She took her vows more seriously than Julia.
I will be adding more "memories of step-parenting" in the upcoming blogs.
Memories of earlier years
Although being a step-parent wasn't all bad, we did have alot of good days. I remember the first time that my step-children asked to call me "Mommy". They were only 4 and 6 years old at the time. Actually, I was pleasantly surprised the first time I heard the youngest refer to me as mommy.
At the time, I told them I didn't care what they called me, although deep down I felt honored that they thought of me as a mother figure. Our love for each other was undeniable and obvious, but that one word made my heart melt. I'm not sure that Mandy and Julia knew what a step-parent was at the time, but it was clear that they loved me as much as I loved them.
At the time, I told them I didn't care what they called me, although deep down I felt honored that they thought of me as a mother figure. Our love for each other was undeniable and obvious, but that one word made my heart melt. I'm not sure that Mandy and Julia knew what a step-parent was at the time, but it was clear that they loved me as much as I loved them.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
If I had to do it all over again...
For those of you that consider being a step-parent, you should seriously consider what your future will be like. For those of you considering giving your child a step-parent, you should also consider what your future will be like.
Many years ago, when I became a step-mom it was like being a part time mom, since we didn't have custody of my step-children immediately. We went through several years of hell, dealing with the bio-mom just to be able to visit my step children. Thousands and thousands of dollars were paid to lawyers on top of the child support just to enforce a visitation schedule.
Looking back, I guess we didn't have much of a choice, other than to walk away from the children. However, my husband was definitely not THAT kind of father. His children meant everything to him, and he meant everything to me. His children were a part of him therefore my love for them was just as strong. I was willing to tolerate anything for him and the children.
Being a step-parent is not easy by any means. It's not easy for the children, for the bio-parents or step-parents. You will be connected in some way to the "ex" for the rest of your life. They will always be a part of your step-children's life. Your life will always be upside down. The children will always be loyal to their bio-parent while a step-parent will always be blamed. Regardless of all the love and closeness you will feel as the step-parent to a child, that love will not always be mutual.
I know this from experience. After raising my step-children while their bio-mom was out partying for years and didn't even visit the children, they are still loyal to her. The step-children are all adults now and bio-mom has been married four times, yet the children are still close and loyal to her. I was the one that worked two jobs to support, feed and clothe my step-children while bio-mom was partying. I was the one that sacrificed 20 years of my life to raise my step-children, along with my own children. I was the one that loved, cared for, nursed them back to health when they were sick, dealt with their every day issues, put them through school, etc.
Many times I think about all those years and really wonder if I knew then what I know now, would I do it all over again?
Many years ago, when I became a step-mom it was like being a part time mom, since we didn't have custody of my step-children immediately. We went through several years of hell, dealing with the bio-mom just to be able to visit my step children. Thousands and thousands of dollars were paid to lawyers on top of the child support just to enforce a visitation schedule.
Looking back, I guess we didn't have much of a choice, other than to walk away from the children. However, my husband was definitely not THAT kind of father. His children meant everything to him, and he meant everything to me. His children were a part of him therefore my love for them was just as strong. I was willing to tolerate anything for him and the children.
Being a step-parent is not easy by any means. It's not easy for the children, for the bio-parents or step-parents. You will be connected in some way to the "ex" for the rest of your life. They will always be a part of your step-children's life. Your life will always be upside down. The children will always be loyal to their bio-parent while a step-parent will always be blamed. Regardless of all the love and closeness you will feel as the step-parent to a child, that love will not always be mutual.
I know this from experience. After raising my step-children while their bio-mom was out partying for years and didn't even visit the children, they are still loyal to her. The step-children are all adults now and bio-mom has been married four times, yet the children are still close and loyal to her. I was the one that worked two jobs to support, feed and clothe my step-children while bio-mom was partying. I was the one that sacrificed 20 years of my life to raise my step-children, along with my own children. I was the one that loved, cared for, nursed them back to health when they were sick, dealt with their every day issues, put them through school, etc.
Many times I think about all those years and really wonder if I knew then what I know now, would I do it all over again?
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Why does GREED have to destroy everything?
I hope everyone enjoyed Easter with their family. I was taught as I was growing up how important family should be to everyone. I was raised in a Catholic family with alot of aunts, uncles and cousins. Unfortunately, as the years go by, family seems to be less and less important to people. It seems like this world is turning into a "dog eat dog" world and it's very sad.
I remember many years ago that holidays were for family to be together, to show their love and support of each other. However, that no longer seems to be the case in alot of families, including my own.
An enormous amount of people are struggling to get by, unemployed, have lost their homes, cars and family members. That stress alone will tear a family apart. While we haven't lost our home or cars, we have lost each other. We don't seem to be as important to each other anymore because we are worried about ourselves.
During the part of my life that I wrote about in my ebook, Greed at the Expen$e of a Child, greed was a big part of destroying the lives of a happy family. Now, many years later, greed continues to destroy our lives. It's a different type of "greed" though. It's not the fact that there will be monetary gains by our actions today, but the fact that we seem to care only for ourselves and what WE can gain out of our actions. I worry about how we will all treat each other in the next 50 years.
I remember many years ago that holidays were for family to be together, to show their love and support of each other. However, that no longer seems to be the case in alot of families, including my own.
An enormous amount of people are struggling to get by, unemployed, have lost their homes, cars and family members. That stress alone will tear a family apart. While we haven't lost our home or cars, we have lost each other. We don't seem to be as important to each other anymore because we are worried about ourselves.
During the part of my life that I wrote about in my ebook, Greed at the Expen$e of a Child, greed was a big part of destroying the lives of a happy family. Now, many years later, greed continues to destroy our lives. It's a different type of "greed" though. It's not the fact that there will be monetary gains by our actions today, but the fact that we seem to care only for ourselves and what WE can gain out of our actions. I worry about how we will all treat each other in the next 50 years.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Greed at the Expen$e of a Child Ebook on Amazon Kindle Store
Check out my website at http://www.greedattheexpenseofachild.webs.com/ or you can purchase my ebook on Amazon.com at the Kindle Store for only $3.99!
Promoting Greed at the Expense of a Child Ebook
As I fumble my way through the internet in search of new ways to promote my ebook, Greed at the Expen$e of a Child, I didn't realize there were so many places to do so. However, not being as computer saavy as I would like to be, I struggle to figure different things out.
It's amazing what an amazing piece of machinery the computer is. Everything you could possibly want is at your fingertips with each keystroke. My father would be amazed.
It would be alot less stressful on my brain to allow someone else to do this task...
It's amazing what an amazing piece of machinery the computer is. Everything you could possibly want is at your fingertips with each keystroke. My father would be amazed.
It would be alot less stressful on my brain to allow someone else to do this task...
Greed at the Expen$e of a Child is now listed on Goodreads.com
I'm excited that I have just listed my Ebook, Greed at the Expen$e of a
Child on http://www.goodreads.com/. I'm really hoping to get the book out there for others to share.
This book expresses a part of my life, that I'm sure many others experience in some form. Like everything else in life, being a step-mother or custodial mother has it's good days and bad days. Since one out of two marriages end in divorce, unfortunately, step families are becoming the norm.
Child on http://www.goodreads.com/. I'm really hoping to get the book out there for others to share.
This book expresses a part of my life, that I'm sure many others experience in some form. Like everything else in life, being a step-mother or custodial mother has it's good days and bad days. Since one out of two marriages end in divorce, unfortunately, step families are becoming the norm.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Why is life so complicated?
Each day that I wake up to a new problem, I really wonder why my life has to be so complicated. It seems like I attract anything bad that can and will happen. I just don't understand anymore. There are times that I feel so totally drained with all the massive issues in my life, I don't know how I have the strength to continue on.
I wrote Greed at the Expen$e of a Child with the help of a ghost writer because it seemed like that period in my life was the worst possible time that anyone could experience. But as each day goes by, a new "experience" hits me head on to deal with. I'm not getting any younger and can't seem to deal with the serious issues anymore. Why must God continue to give us things that HE thinks we can deal with? When do WE get a say so over these matters?!
I wrote Greed at the Expen$e of a Child with the help of a ghost writer because it seemed like that period in my life was the worst possible time that anyone could experience. But as each day goes by, a new "experience" hits me head on to deal with. I'm not getting any younger and can't seem to deal with the serious issues anymore. Why must God continue to give us things that HE thinks we can deal with? When do WE get a say so over these matters?!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Greed at the Expen$e of a Child Ebook is now listed on Amazon Kindle!
Well, it took awhile, but I finally jumped in the frying pan with listing "Greed" on Amazon Kindle! I'm not quite sure how it will sell, but I guess I will find out soon enough. With the millions of books already listed on there, mine is like a needle in a haystack.
I have to admit that I haven't done much with it in the past few months. I guess my eagerness comes and goes. I really want my story told to help other people that may experience some of what we fought for. For our children...to keep them safe...and to love them! However, the thought of re-living THAT part of my life is something I'm not sure I really want to do. It was much too painful to continue to think about every day. Besides, we have had to have more of life's lessons taught to us over the years and currently to continue to reflect back on that part of my life.
Will there EVER be a happy time in my life again?!
I have to admit that I haven't done much with it in the past few months. I guess my eagerness comes and goes. I really want my story told to help other people that may experience some of what we fought for. For our children...to keep them safe...and to love them! However, the thought of re-living THAT part of my life is something I'm not sure I really want to do. It was much too painful to continue to think about every day. Besides, we have had to have more of life's lessons taught to us over the years and currently to continue to reflect back on that part of my life.
Will there EVER be a happy time in my life again?!
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